Archive for Nyornyor

Ayoko na Magnyornyor

Posted in It's Just Emotions, Random Thoughts with tags on December 21, 2008 by niennavarda

Pero sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang umiyak. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin kayang patigilin ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Napaka-ironic nga naman ng buhay. Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko.

Ang dami-dami kong sinayang na panahon. Kung anu-ano ang iniisip. Walang ginagawa.  Sana maaayos ko pa ang mga pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Sana mabawi ko pa.

Kaya ayoko na magnyornyor. Ayoko na mag-isip. Gagawin ko na ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat matagal ko nang ginawa. Magiging totoo na ako sa sarili ko. Pati na rin sa ibang tao. Nasa kamay ko ang kasiyahan ko.

Minsan, Mapag-iisip Ka Lang Talaga…

Posted in It's Just Emotions with tags on November 9, 2008 by niennavarda

Kung sino ang mga taong totoong kumakandili sa iyo, nag-iisip sa iyo, nakikinig sa iyo, umiintindi sa iyo, maaasahan mo, magtatanggol sa iyo, totoong kaibigan mo, nagmamahal sa iyo…

Buhay kaya sila? Naroroon ba sila?

Minsan mahirap lang manampalataya na may mga taong tulad nila. Mga taong kayang magsangtabi ang oras at kayang mag-ukol ang sarili dahil para sa kanila, mahalaga ka.

I Just Want to be True to Myself Right Now…

Posted in Mga Karunungan with tags on October 5, 2008 by niennavarda

and admit that I am lonely. That sometimes, no matter how many drinking parties you go to, or places you travel to or new things you try, you still go to bed at night and realize that there’s a gnawing hole in your person that isn’t quite filled. I’m not necessarily talking about a need for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but more of having someone constant in your life, be it a friend, a sister, a room mate or an office mate. Someone you can talk to and share your ideas with consistently and someone who just enjoys your companionship because you’re you.

I miss my college dorm room mates and our chats until the wee hours of the morning. Those times when we should all have been already sleeping but can’t help laughing over our mishaps. I miss my siblings and our intellectual (intellectual daw ba? hehehe) conversations. Kayo na ang mga taong pinaka-ka-wavelength ko sa buong mundo. I miss your witty retorts. I even miss the times you would all gang up to pick on me, your favorite pastime.

I’ve been really trying to keep myself busy to make myself happy all this time. But I guess you can only do so much on your own. I hate admitting that I need people. I hate admitting that I have a weakness. I have always prided myself that I can survive on my own but who am I fooling, right?

I just came from a drinking/bonding session with friends just a couple of hours back. I learned a very valuabe lesson today: it is all right to admit that you do get lonely. It is not a bad thing. I am afterall just human. Thanks, guys.

Guard Your Heart

Posted in It's Just Emotions, Samu't Saring Angst with tags on September 3, 2008 by niennavarda

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

– Proverbs 4:23

I do not know if I’m just predisposed to disobey everything the Bible says, but this sure is one directive I miserably fail to follow. I have been attending Love, Courtship and Marriage seminars since I was 12 but I think I’ve become such a big disappointment to all my Sunday school teachers finding myself 15 years later. I really suck at this.

To give myself some credit and so as just to say that all my teachers’ hard work had not been entirely in vain, I’ve pretty much gone through high school and the early years of college with minimal damage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would count, though. Guarding your heart means actually being aware of having one and ever since I have discovered that mine was beating and red and filled with gooey stuff, I’ve been throwing it away like a slab of red meat to a pack of ravenous wolves. What’s worse is I never learn.

If it’s any consolation, I’m just glad that this not one of those precepts I’d be condemned to eternal damnation for breaking. Whew! I might still have hope 😛

Singit lang… (nyornyor bago ituloy ang pagchronicle ng buhay)

Posted in It's Just Emotions with tags on August 26, 2008 by niennavarda

Bakit ako nasasaktan? 😥

Waaaah! As in ang sakit na talaga :((

Pangit pa ng weather. It makes you want to nurture a sulky mood.

Delete Me

Posted in Fact is Stranger than Fiction with tags on August 8, 2008 by niennavarda

Got this YM message from a churchmate back in the Philippines asking me whether my old Philippine mobile number has roaming or not. I don’t know about you but I have this notion that when somebody asks you this sort of question, he usually has some intent of contacting you. But then…

xxx: aileen, is your old phone no. on roaming?
yeyenman: no
xxx: delete ko na then
yeyenman: why do you need to call or text me? (late na-enter and was wondering what important message was needed to be sent)
yeyenman: ah ok (huh? basag, shet)

xxx: no, just saw your name in my phonebook

Sheesh, maybe I was just shocked or a bit too sensitive this day that I honestly feel kind of irked. I mean here I am trying to work (or not, hahaha, geez, aileen puro ka nga party eh), trying hard not to remember that, hey you’re working in a foreign country away from the life you knew (this coming from someone who does nothing but embrace everything Japan has to offer) and you receive this heartless message informing you that you are about to be deleted from his list of contacts. Comforting, really. I mean just how many bytes of memory space do I occupy in your phone? Kind of reminds me of the opening scene in the movie Amelie, when this guy after coming from his friend’s funeral goes straight to his apartment and erases his friend’s contact details. Difference is that I AM NOT DEAD YET. Geez, if you want to erase my number, just do so. You don’t have to tell me about it, okay?

Anyway, this may just have been a bad day. I hate rejection. I hate being forgotten. I hate being taken for granted and any of its forms. Hmph. I hate this day.

So Ayun…

Posted in It's Just Emotions with tags on August 6, 2008 by niennavarda

“Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga”

– Taning, Imago

It’s Only Words

Posted in It's Just Emotions, Random Thoughts with tags on August 1, 2008 by niennavarda

To say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that’s the whole art and joy of words”

The Fox, Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis


If only I can, I would but I suck at words and often say the wrong things. I don’t know how to express myself well and thus am often misunderstood. Oh, I want to experience the beauty that comes with the art of words!

If only words could flow through me and utter what I truly want to say straightforwardly and without fear… my heart may need not hurt so 😦

Ang tagal ko nang di nagsusulat…

Posted in To Forget or Not to Forget with tags , on April 23, 2008 by niennavarda

Ang tagal ko nang di nagsusulat. Di dahil walang bagong nangyayari sa buhay ko kundi’t ang kabaligtaran. Ang daming kong gustong ikuwento pero mas kailangan kong magtago. Ang hirap ng maraming sekreto. Mahirap, magulo pero masaya rin. Siguro pagkalipas ng maraming taon at matanda na ako, gagawa ako ng libro tungkol sa buhay ko. Makulay, parang sinabawang gulay.