Archive for the Samu’t Saring Angst Category

Guard Your Heart

Posted in It's Just Emotions, Samu't Saring Angst with tags on September 3, 2008 by niennavarda

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

– Proverbs 4:23

I do not know if I’m just predisposed to disobey everything the Bible says, but this sure is one directive I miserably fail to follow. I have been attending Love, Courtship and Marriage seminars since I was 12 but I think I’ve become such a big disappointment to all my Sunday school teachers finding myself 15 years later. I really suck at this.

To give myself some credit and so as just to say that all my teachers’ hard work had not been entirely in vain, I’ve pretty much gone through high school and the early years of college with minimal damage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would count, though. Guarding your heart means actually being aware of having one and ever since I have discovered that mine was beating and red and filled with gooey stuff, I’ve been throwing it away like a slab of red meat to a pack of ravenous wolves. What’s worse is I never learn.

If it’s any consolation, I’m just glad that this not one of those precepts I’d be condemned to eternal damnation for breaking. Whew! I might still have hope 😛

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Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know All About Me

Posted in Samu't Saring Angst on April 3, 2008 by niennavarda

I am already 27 years old but I am still clueless about who I am and what I want. When I was my mother’s age, she already knew that what she wanted was to have a happy and loving family of her own. To top it off, she was already taking care of three screaming toddlers and deciding for the well being of a whole family. I can’t even decide what to eat for breakfast.

Blame it on the “30 is the new 20” shebang. While this phenomenon may bring a lot of good, I don’t want to hide behind it to mask my shortcomings. I also think that the only people who will benefit from this are those gifted with extraordinary longer lifespan and I don’t think I’m part of the fortunate population given the amount of alcohol I consume every week.

Don’t get me wrong. Running out of time is the least bit of my worries. It’s more of that at this age, I must at least already have a full grasp of who I am… but I don’t. The disquiet I am feeling now is more of wanting to know the embodiment of who I really am and not just wanting to know an aspect like what career path to take.

Character-wise, what am I? Who am I? I am afraid of waking up one day realizing that I am actually a monster.

I’ve read somewhere that who we are now are products of decisions we’ve made in the past and who we are going to be will be products of our decisions now. Looking back, I wonder if I made the right decisions each time life threw crap at me. The decisions I’ve made must have been a random mess judging from the identity- crisis- ridden product that is me now. Deciding from an identity- crisis- ridden self is also a scary thought given that our decisions now mold us into who we will become. Gad, I wonder what will become of me in the future.

Someone recently told me that in order to know who you are, you have to know what you want and what you don’t want. I am currently trying out different things and figuring out if each thing I try suits me or not. I hope I make the right decisions each time. I must admit that the trial and error involved can be excruciating. You will find yourself getting hurt countless of times. But the experience could be fun, too. Nothing beats being there and doing that. So I will just take the good with the bad and decide as I go along the way.

Gusto kong umiyak pero di ko magawa

Posted in Samu't Saring Angst on April 1, 2008 by niennavarda

Someone, anyone, teach me how to cry please. I really need a good cry. It has been long overdue.

Semana Santa sa Baguio

Posted in Happenings, Samu't Saring Angst on March 25, 2008 by niennavarda

Nagdaan na naman ang isang Semana Santa sa Baguio and as usual, nagmuryot lang ako sa bahay. Ayokong sabayan ang mga bakasyonista sa iba’t ibang sulok ng Pilipinas na parang mga ignoranteng nagsisiksikan sa kahit anong sulok na may patch of grass na pwedeng magpicnic. My gad, di niyo ba alam na ang jologs-jologs ng Burnham Park? Walang taga-Baguio na nagpipicnic diyan. At mas mabuti na rin siguro na di niyo malaman na isang malawak na CR ng mga driver at n____t ang inaakala niyong napakagandang park na yan. Hehehe, yep, yan ang sikreto kung bakit magaganda ang mga halaman diyan. Hahaha! Yuuuck!!! Pagnabasa niyo to, sana magdalawang-isip muna kayo bago magpinic uli diyan. Ako’y nagmamagandang loob lang. Hehehe. Pero yuck talaga.

At ang Minesview Park, parang tulad lang yan ng scenery sa likod ng bahay namin. Mas maganda pa nga ata samin eh. Ewan ko ba, ngayon lang ba kayo nakakita ng bangin?

Bakit ba kayo pumupunta sa Baguio pag Holy Week? I mean, kung gusto niyo lang ng malamig, mag-aircon na lang kayo. Isa pang magtatanong ng directions sakin ng papuntang John Hay, Burnham, Minesview at Sagada, ililigaw ko na, pramis!

But don’t take me wrong, mahal ko ang Baguio. Mahal na mahal! Nalulungkot lang ako na kamukha na rin niya ang Quiapo ngayon. Baguio, what has happened to you? I miss the Baguio when we were kids. Noong amoy pine tree pa siya. At wala pang evil SM sa tuktok ng Session Road. At may Coney Island ice cream pa sa John Hay. At lahat ng tao MAGALING pang mag-English. At mababa ang crime rate. I miss Baguio… sniff… masyado na siya commercialized ngayon.

Protected: I Need a Savior

Posted in Samu't Saring Angst, Whinings on February 26, 2008 by niennavarda

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Don’t You Think It’s Funny

Posted in Samu't Saring Angst, To Forget or Not to Forget on February 11, 2008 by niennavarda

Don’t you think it’s funny that whenever I’m in pain, I’m scared, I’m lonely and I don’t know what to do, it’s you I still think of? I don’t.  But you’re there and I can’t take you out of my mind.

Knee Injury Rantings and Learnings

Posted in Samu't Saring Angst, Vanity, Whinings on February 11, 2008 by niennavarda

It has been exactly a week since I got my knee injured. It’s getting better but it still hurts a little and I still can’t put my whole weight on it when I walk. This is the first physical injury I’ve ever had limiting my everyday activities. This event has put a lot of things in perspective.

I’ve been oscillating from depression to blind optimism for the past days. Depression is my default phase then I would console myself to blind optimism which wouldn’t last thus the vicious cycle. I am not one who is easy on himself when one commits mistakes especially if the the mistakes have tremendous consequences and if the mistakes are just from sheer stupidity. I should have followed that still, small voice inside me telling me not pursue that gym application. Truth is, god, I really hate myself right now. Why did I allow this to happen to myself?

Limping for a week and still needing to go to places, one sees through the eyes of the physically challenged. One feels defenseless against all imagined evils. Crossing a street becomes a hundred times more scary. Public-utility-vehicle-drivers  stopping in the middle of a busy street to let you down becomes a million times more evil in your sight and you can’t kick their balls because you’re limping. People stare at you like a freak as you pass by. Plus it’s really depressing to experience how some people can be so inconsiderate of your predicament. People can be so evil sometimes.

But I’ve also learned that there are people out there who have good hearts and who would go out of their way to help you. Like drive you back to your boarding house despite being out of the way and despite of the exorbitant price of gasoline, push your swivel chair around the office and to the restroom so you wouldn’t have to stand up, get your milk from the canteen at the building’s first floor so you can have your breakfast of cereals and coffee at your second floor office, support you as you go down the stairs, go inside a car and limp across the corridor. And of course, there are your parents and siblings who are outraged by the gym’s lack of overseeing and instruction and who never left my side and made me feel better by their encouragement and tender loving care.

To everyone who has made me feel better (you know who you are), thank you, thank you, thank you very much.  I am deeply touched by your kindness. I hope my knee recovers fast so I wouldn’t need to have an MRI. Waaah!