Archive for the Mga Karunungan Category

I Just Want to be True to Myself Right Now…

Posted in Mga Karunungan with tags on October 5, 2008 by niennavarda

and admit that I am lonely. That sometimes, no matter how many drinking parties you go to, or places you travel to or new things you try, you still go to bed at night and realize that there’s a gnawing hole in your person that isn’t quite filled. I’m not necessarily talking about a need for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but more of having someone constant in your life, be it a friend, a sister, a room mate or an office mate. Someone you can talk to and share your ideas with consistently and someone who just enjoys your companionship because you’re you.

I miss my college dorm room mates and our chats until the wee hours of the morning. Those times when we should all have been already sleeping but can’t help laughing over our mishaps. I miss my siblings and our intellectual (intellectual daw ba? hehehe) conversations. Kayo na ang mga taong pinaka-ka-wavelength ko sa buong mundo. I miss your witty retorts. I even miss the times you would all gang up to pick on me, your favorite pastime.

I’ve been really trying to keep myself busy to make myself happy all this time. But I guess you can only do so much on your own. I hate admitting that I need people. I hate admitting that I have a weakness. I have always prided myself that I can survive on my own but who am I fooling, right?

I just came from a drinking/bonding session with friends just a couple of hours back. I learned a very valuabe lesson today: it is all right to admit that you do get lonely. It is not a bad thing. I am afterall just human. Thanks, guys.

I Might Have Really Changed…

Posted in It's Just Emotions, Mga Karunungan, Piece of My Mind on September 2, 2008 by niennavarda

2 years ago, you wouldn’t have believed that I was a grumpy, arrogant, cruel, cold-hearted bitch ready to chop off anyone’s head who will get in my way. Feelings are insignificant. I was all for results and it didn’t matter who I step on as long as I was proven right in the end. Needless to say, “pleasant” was the last qualifier you would describe me.

I was also pretty much of a loner. I hated crowds. I hated talking. I would never be the one to open up a conversation. If I did, my sharp tongue was just bound to offend and jab where it really hurts. I rarely smile. I do not make eye contact (unless to intimidate). I was not a joiner. I did not make friends easily and I suppose I was really hated.

Amazing what 2 years of experiences can do to your life. Perhaps it was enlightenment or maturity or I might just for some reason have become particularly happy (or for all you know just become plain manipulative) that I have become a totally different person thanks to a little push and some amount of effort. (While some people may disagree, my loving family for example, that I have not changed at all, let us, for this entry’s purpose define “change” and “totally different person” as the surfacing of my superego or that I have tamed the dark side of my split personality). Honestly, I still get shocked when the people I’ve just recently met (and my gad, can you believe it, made friends with!) describe me as friendly, cheerful, extroverted and full of life. What has happened to the miasma surrounding me? Where has it gone?

While I am not particularly sure how and when the change actually happened I still remember the reasons why I tried to do so:

1. Loneliness – Being alone does not equate to being lonely. Lonely is being in a crowd, especially being in one where everyone is someone you know and everyone’s having fun and there are fireworks and a band and everyone’s dancing and you still feel isolated.

2. I can’t always be right – Nobody liked me. With the kind of personality I had, I ought to be right else I’m  not worth anything.

3. No one can be that stupid that you cannot learn anything from him – I used to be so arrogant (well I still am actually but down two notches) until I was humbled by the fact that one of the greatest influences of my life and one who truly, truly loves me no matter what isn’t exactly Mensa material. The accumulation of knowledge, not the accumulation of facts is more important.

4. Sharing your life with others can be fulfilling – While humans are the most complex entities in the known universe (complex includes being the meanest, vilest and most evil), sharing your life with them can also be fulfilling. You would be amazed at the gems you would discover underneath the layers of dirt and grime that you perceive.

While I know that the dark and brooding side of me is still somewhere floating inside me, let me be for this moment just revel in the delight that good relationships bring. I can truly say that despite of the tons of crap my life has (and many more to be dumped at me yet), this is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m actually looking forward to life.

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Disclaimer: Because my life hangs in a delicate balance, I might just as soon eat everything I’ve said. I hope the happiness lasts but I sure know good things don’t last forever. Because I also swing at extremes, I hope that opening my life or whatever causes my happiness now would not be the cause of the end of me. I always have a tendency to go overboard. What’s important is, I am happy NOW. Finally.

I am finally at peace with myself

Posted in Mga Karunungan on April 10, 2008 by niennavarda

Yun lang, I am finally at peace with myself 🙂

And the Rehab Ends…

Posted in Happenings, Mga Karunungan with tags , , , on April 9, 2008 by niennavarda

I am Niennavarda and I am an alcoholic…

The first step is to admit that you have a problem…

Friend 1: Nagpaparehab ka ngayon? Bakit?!!! :-O

Niennavarda: Oo… Addict ako eh…

Friend 1: Huh?! Addict?! Addict saan?!

Niennavarda: Sa jutes, sa bato, sa ecstasy…

Friend 1: (Speechless…)

Friend 1: (Still speechless…)

Niennavarda: Uy, ok ka lang? You know, it can happen to anyone…

Friend 1: Oo… pero bato?

Niennavarda: =))

My rehab session ended this morning and I am sure going to miss making jokes out of my predicament. My doctor told me that I can continue the exercises I’ve been doing at home. I just need to buy ankle weights and endure looking like an idiot while executing the rather peculiar patterns I have to trace while walking/jogging forward and in reverse. Tracing an asterisk-like pattern is not as easy as it looks.

While I am totally relieved that it is finally over, I am going to miss Candy, the sweetest Physical Therapist in the whole wide world and all the kind souls I have encountered at the Philippine Heart Center Rehab Section, from the cleaning lady, the guards, the receptionist and all the other therapists like Lex and Joanne. Apart from your superb service, all your encouragement meant a lot to me and contributed to my fast recovery. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much 🙂 I would also like to thank Dr. Consuelo Suarez, my Rehab doctor for performing the miracle of making me be able to walk in a short span of a week’s therapy. This coming from a really painful knee and walking in crutches. Ang galing mo doc 🙂

I still can’t run or do jump shots this summer but I’m already well enough to jog! Wag lang aabuso since the injury is still there. Off to Japan I go in a month 🙂

I can also already enjoy the fruits of my labor and splurge on myself! Spending 700 Php on rehab and taxi fees (doctor’s fees are still another story…) every other day is surely not a joke. Wahahaha! I am going to treat myself on the next payday 😀

To everyone out there, take good care of yourselves. Be aware. Accidents happen in the most mundane circumstances. And don’t forget to enjoy life! You never know when your last day on earth is going to be 🙂

Excited na ako sa ASTRA outing next week 🙂 Yahoo! And maybe I can already buy the swimsuit I had my eye on last week… 🙂

Nemesis

Posted in God, Mga Karunungan, Nuggets of Wisdom with tags , , on March 4, 2008 by niennavarda
… and so is this the wrath of God that hath fallen down on me?

Went to UERMMMC early this afternoon for a 4th consult regarding my knee. My knee has been hurting really bad for a month now and I’ve been walking in crutches for more than two weeks. I am due for rehab and if that doesn’t work I’m off to surgery. I’ve never thought that one little mistake could have such fatal consequences.

This comes with plenty of hard lessons to be learned and I surrender to the higher powers. If this won’t teach me a lesson, I don’t know what would. The aftermath of my stupidity and ignorance and sin has really cost me a lot. I know I’ve been really, really bad and I’m sorry. I really am sorry.

The incident has put a lot of things in perspective. I’ve learned to appreciate the things you would normally not appreciate when you are whole. I’ve learned to appreciate running, walking and dancing. I’ve learned to grab every opportunity to have fun and to travel and to experience new things. I have learned to say “No” to people I care about if what they offer may potentially harm me. I learned never to do anything against my will. I’ve learned to think more of myself, that it is all right to put myself first and not others all the time. I’ve learned to ask for help, to swallow my pride and be dependent on the people who care about me, the kind souls around me (and this really, really hurt). I’ve learned (and to borrow Samwise Gamgee’s words) that there is good in this world and it is worth fighting for. I’ve learned to love life. I’ve learned to appreciate mine. I shouldn’t waste it away.

I’ve been thinking for quite some time now how long I could still outsmart God. I’ve done a substantial amount of pretty bad things in the past couple of years and I have been putting all my wits to deter cataclysmal ramifications. But I know it’s all just a matter of time. I know that bottom line is, in the end, no matter how long it takes, God would win and all the consequences would come crashing down on me. He would no longer withhold his wrath. My sins would catch up on me.

Perhaps, I haven’t really been outsmarting God. Perhaps, it was just grace pulling me through. But if it is grace, how long will it last until it runs dry? Would grace still be extended to me if I’ve used up all the grace that there is for me? God help me. You win.

Don’t you feel the same way?

Posted in Mga Karunungan, Random Thoughts on February 27, 2008 by niennavarda

“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the extra person in the room.”

– Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 2

Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome

Posted in Mga Karunungan, Whinings on February 20, 2008 by niennavarda

So finally, after 2 long weeks of agony, my knee injury has got a name.