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Transferred my blog to http://yeyenman.com/

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Pero sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang umiyak. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin kayang patigilin ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Napaka-ironic nga naman ng buhay. Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko.

Ang dami-dami kong sinayang na panahon. Kung anu-ano ang iniisip. Walang ginagawa.  Sana maaayos ko pa ang mga pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Sana mabawi ko pa.

Kaya ayoko na magnyornyor. Ayoko na mag-isip. Gagawin ko na ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat matagal ko nang ginawa. Magiging totoo na ako sa sarili ko. Pati na rin sa ibang tao. Nasa kamay ko ang kasiyahan ko.

Kung sino ang mga taong totoong kumakandili sa iyo, nag-iisip sa iyo, nakikinig sa iyo, umiintindi sa iyo, maaasahan mo, magtatanggol sa iyo, totoong kaibigan mo, nagmamahal sa iyo…

Buhay kaya sila? Naroroon ba sila?

Minsan mahirap lang manampalataya na may mga taong tulad nila. Mga taong kayang magsangtabi ang oras at kayang mag-ukol ang sarili dahil para sa kanila, mahalaga ka.

To kill the enemy, she would have to capture his heart....and break her own.

1942, affluent and sophisticated Mrs. Mak enters a posh cafe and makes a phone call to Second Brother. Flashback, 1938 to a shy university freshman girl, Wong Chia Chi left by her father for England after the war broke out. Mrs. Mak isn’t Mrs. Mak but Wong Chia Chi disguised for an ambitious and dangerous ploy to assassinate a top Japanese collaborator, Mr Yee.

In the throes of war, what can a handful of university students do? Kuang Yu Min, the head of Wong Chia Chi’s theater troupe felt they ought to do more than just stir up their audience’s patriotism. They engaged themselves in a plot where each student would have a part to play to kill a country’s traitor. Wong Chia Chi transformed herself inside out to lure Mr Yee into an affair by first befriending his wife. It was to be a play with no rehearsals and only one take. After a significant twist, Wong Chia Chi and Kuang Yu Min becomes more involved with the plot as they become part of the underground resistance group. The deception makes Wong Chia Chi’s identity and emotions hang in the balance.

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I never got to watch this movie when the film was released last year. And instead of doing my much needed review for the upcoming JLPT exams this December, I watched this movie instead. I have no regrets, though. This movie is the kind of movie that makes a strong impact on you and somehow makes you a bit different after watching it.

The lighting and cinematography was excellent and aptly sets the mood of the time. Tang Wei as Wong Chia Chi was also superb. To be able to portray so much with those controlled emotions must have been very demanding but she made switching from a shy freshman to a sophisticated married seductress look effortless. Not to mention the graphic sex scenes she had to do. Gad, that MUST have been hard. And Tony Leung (Mr. Yee)… well Tony Leung IS Tony Leung. Enough said. As for Wang Leehom (Kuang Yu Min), maybe the role wasn’t as demanding as Wong Chia Chi but he fairly did well. But did I say that Wang Leehom was drop-dead gorgeous? OMG, ang gwapo niya!!! And did I say he also sings, composes and plays various musical instruments? OMG!!! Tulo laway =P~

On a personal note, I like the movie because I like tragic endings. The movie’s plot must have already been used countless of times but I like the subtlety of how the various elements were portrayed. The movie didn’t have a flowery screenplay (yep, no quotes for me) but the emotions were eloquently portrayed from the acting. Foregoing love for a higher purpose, patriotism, the need to grow up fast in turbulent times, breaking through a cold, unfeeling heart – these elements have all been used before but Lust, Caution makes you see them in a different light.

I was deeply moved when Mr. Yee cried after Wong Chia Chi sang for him. The cold, unfeeling, killing machine traitor was after all, human. The movie also made me think of how far can I go when fighting for my country is in the line. Can I do what Kuang Yu Min did? Can I allow the woman I love put her life in the line and let her body be used by the enemy for a higher purpose?

Well, in the end, Wong Chia Chi chose her emotions over her country which is stupid, but in reality could you really let someone who loves you so much and whose life has changed because of yours (not to mention someone you’ve already learned to love) be killed because of your deception?

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Ang jologs nito at walang koneksyon sa pelikula, pero naalala ko lang bigla ang isang quote ni Bob Ong: “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

Bakit ko ba ito nadagdag? Si Tinats kasi eh, puro Bob Ong ang laman ng diwa

At minsan ko na nga lang gagawin ang ganitong klaseng bagay sa buhay ko, di ko pa linubus-lubos. Ano ba naman yung pagkatapos kong sabihin ang nararamdaman ko ay bigla na lang akong nagsisitakbong palayo. Ni hindi ko man lang hinintay ang sasabihin mo. O kung wala ka mang sasabihin sana tiniis ko na lang ang pagkabog ng dibdib ko, ang pangangatog ng tuhod ko para aralin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng ngiting napintura sa mukha mo pagkatapos kong magsalita. O kaya, sana tumitig na lang ako sa mata mo at baka nakahanap pa ako ng kahit konting ideya kung ano ang nilalaman ng isip mo. Pero hindi. Hindi ko yun nagawa. Napakaduwag ko.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit huhugot na rin lang ako ng lakas ng loob mula kung saan mang kaibuturan ng pagkatao ko, hindi ko pa inayos ang pagdeliver ng speech ko. Ewan ko ba. Nung pina-practice naman namin yan ng kaibigan ko nung gabi bago ang tinakdang araw, cool naman ang dating ko, parang whatever lang. Pero hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit nang nagsalita na ako sa harap mo, nauutal na ako, naghy-hyperventilate at daig ko pa ang nagkaroon ng severe allergic reaction sa pakiramdam ng pagkakapal ng dila ko. Yan tuloy, ang jologs ng speech ko. Ang jologs-jologs ko. Cool pa naman ako. Well, sabi ng iba at minsan feeling ko rin papasa na. Pero hindi ako cool kung nandiyan ka. Nagsho-short circuit ang utak ko. Kaya siguro mula nang makilala kita ang dami nang sumabog na neurons ko. Oo at ganun din ang pakiramdam ko, isang powered-on circuit board na binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

At bakit nga ba, magtatapat na rin lang ako hindi ko pa ninamnam ang pagpapadulas sa dila ng mga salitang nagmamahal ako. Sana sinabi ko na rin na mula nang matuklasan kong mahal kita, napukaw ang damdamin kong paghusayan ang lahat ng ginagawa ko, ayusin ang buhay ko, iwanan ang mga bisyo ko, maging isang mabuting tao at maging magaling katulad mo. Pero milliseconds lang ata ang inabot ng lahat. Nagmamadali akong lumayo. Hindi ko kaya ang titig mo. Lalo kaya’t hintayin ang sasabihin mo.

At ngayon, tapos na. Nakapagsabi na ako. Nasabi ko ring hindi ko kailangan ang sagot mo. Hindi ko kailangan ng sagot at hindi ako nagaantabay. Hindi ko lang siguro maalis sa utak ko kung ano ang nasa isip mo. Manghuhula na lang siguro ako o mag-aantay. O di kaya palilipasin ang panahon hanggang mawala ito. Kung mawawala nga ito. Ang mahalaga, ayun, nasabi ko na… mahal kita. At least ngayon alam mo na.

and admit that I am lonely. That sometimes, no matter how many drinking parties you go to, or places you travel to or new things you try, you still go to bed at night and realize that there’s a gnawing hole in your person that isn’t quite filled. I’m not necessarily talking about a need for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but more of having someone constant in your life, be it a friend, a sister, a room mate or an office mate. Someone you can talk to and share your ideas with consistently and someone who just enjoys your companionship because you’re you.

I miss my college dorm room mates and our chats until the wee hours of the morning. Those times when we should all have been already sleeping but can’t help laughing over our mishaps. I miss my siblings and our intellectual (intellectual daw ba? hehehe) conversations. Kayo na ang mga taong pinaka-ka-wavelength ko sa buong mundo. I miss your witty retorts. I even miss the times you would all gang up to pick on me, your favorite pastime.

I’ve been really trying to keep myself busy to make myself happy all this time. But I guess you can only do so much on your own. I hate admitting that I need people. I hate admitting that I have a weakness. I have always prided myself that I can survive on my own but who am I fooling, right?

I just came from a drinking/bonding session with friends just a couple of hours back. I learned a very valuabe lesson today: it is all right to admit that you do get lonely. It is not a bad thing. I am afterall just human. Thanks, guys.

Pictures dito

Tinatamad akong magsulat

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

- Proverbs 4:23

I do not know if I’m just predisposed to disobey everything the Bible says, but this sure is one directive I miserably fail to follow. I have been attending Love, Courtship and Marriage seminars since I was 12 but I think I’ve become such a big disappointment to all my Sunday school teachers finding myself 15 years later. I really suck at this.

To give myself some credit and so as just to say that all my teachers’ hard work had not been entirely in vain, I’ve pretty much gone through high school and the early years of college with minimal damage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would count, though. Guarding your heart means actually being aware of having one and ever since I have discovered that mine was beating and red and filled with gooey stuff, I’ve been throwing it away like a slab of red meat to a pack of ravenous wolves. What’s worse is I never learn.

If it’s any consolation, I’m just glad that this not one of those precepts I’d be condemned to eternal damnation for breaking. Whew! I might still have hope

]]> http://infernalblogofdoom.wordpress.com/2008/09/03/guard-your-heart/feed/ 8 niennavarda http://infernalblogofdoom.wordpress.com/2008/09/02/i-might-have-really-changed/ http://infernalblogofdoom.wordpress.com/2008/09/02/i-might-have-really-changed/#comments Mon, 01 Sep 2008 15:36:29 +0000 niennavarda http://infernalblogofdoom.wordpress.com/?p=316 ]]>

2 years ago, you wouldn’t have believed that I was a grumpy, arrogant, cruel, cold-hearted bitch ready to chop off anyone’s head who will get in my way. Feelings are insignificant. I was all for results and it didn’t matter who I step on as long as I was proven right in the end. Needless to say, “pleasant” was the last qualifier you would describe me.

I was also pretty much of a loner. I hated crowds. I hated talking. I would never be the one to open up a conversation. If I did, my sharp tongue was just bound to offend and jab where it really hurts. I rarely smile. I do not make eye contact (unless to intimidate). I was not a joiner. I did not make friends easily and I suppose I was really hated.

Amazing what 2 years of experiences can do to your life. Perhaps it was enlightenment or maturity or I might just for some reason have become particularly happy (or for all you know just become plain manipulative) that I have become a totally different person thanks to a little push and some amount of effort. (While some people may disagree, my loving family for example, that I have not changed at all, let us, for this entry’s purpose define “change” and “totally different person” as the surfacing of my superego or that I have tamed the dark side of my split personality). Honestly, I still get shocked when the people I’ve just recently met (and my gad, can you believe it, made friends with!) describe me as friendly, cheerful, extroverted and full of life. What has happened to the miasma surrounding me? Where has it gone?

While I am not particularly sure how and when the change actually happened I still remember the reasons why I tried to do so:

1. Loneliness – Being alone does not equate to being lonely. Lonely is being in a crowd, especially being in one where everyone is someone you know and everyone’s having fun and there are fireworks and a band and everyone’s dancing and you still feel isolated.

2. I can’t always be right – Nobody liked me. With the kind of personality I had, I ought to be right else I’m  not worth anything.

3. No one can be that stupid that you cannot learn anything from him – I used to be so arrogant (well I still am actually but down two notches) until I was humbled by the fact that one of the greatest influences of my life and one who truly, truly loves me no matter what isn’t exactly Mensa material. The accumulation of knowledge, not the accumulation of facts is more important.

4. Sharing your life with others can be fulfilling – While humans are the most complex entities in the known universe (complex includes being the meanest, vilest and most evil), sharing your life with them can also be fulfilling. You would be amazed at the gems you would discover underneath the layers of dirt and grime that you perceive.

While I know that the dark and brooding side of me is still somewhere floating inside me, let me be for this moment just revel in the delight that good relationships bring. I can truly say that despite of the tons of crap my life has (and many more to be dumped at me yet), this is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m actually looking forward to life.

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Disclaimer: Because my life hangs in a delicate balance, I might just as soon eat everything I’ve said. I hope the happiness lasts but I sure know good things don’t last forever. Because I also swing at extremes, I hope that opening my life or whatever causes my happiness now would not be the cause of the end of me. I always have a tendency to go overboard. What’s important is, I am happy NOW. Finally.

We celebrated Jem (Aug 17), Lau (Aug 25) and M’s (Aug 31) birthday by indulging into gluttony at the Carne Station at Ginza. For only 1000 yen (lunch time) we got to stuff our bellies with tabehodai (eat-all-you-can) yakiniku red meat for an hour Highly recommended for meat lovers. Too bad it only lasted an hour.

Because lunch finished early and we were up for more partying, the gang went to the Big Echo Karaoke at Ginza to burn some calories we accumulated from the tabehodai. We had so much fun that I think we spent around 5-6 hours singing and dancing and shouting. Hahaha. I had bit too much Smirnoff Ice that some episodes were a bit hazy. Hehehe.

Kaladkaran peeps at the Big Echo, Ginza

After the Karaoke, Tid, Jem, Orson, Justin and I checked out an Indian restaurant at Ginza. It was a bit pricey but had the best lamb curry I’ve ever had I so miss Prince of Jaipur back home.

After the meal at some Indian resto in Ginza

More pictures of the day’s happenings from Ramil and Orson

The week flew by so fast but it was a week well spent. So far one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. Looking forward to actually living life some more As for the rest of the week, who said you can’t live life to the fullest at weekdays?