Ang aking pagsusulat at kalungkutan

Bakit kaya ako di nagsusulat kung masaya ako. Bakit motivated lang ako magsulat kung malungkot ako? Sayang naman. Makakalimutin pa man din ako. Sa lagay na to mas marami akong maalalang malungkot na bagay. Addicted ba ko sa lungkot? Hehe. Di naman siguro. Masarap lang sigurong kausapin ang sarili kung nalulungkot. At sino pa nga ba ang makakaintindi sakin kundi ang sarili ko diba?

Napansin ko marami akong gustong isulat kung nalulungkot ako. Kung masaya naman ako, kuntento na lang akong tumawa, ngumiti at mang-alaska. Walang puwang ang utak ko at puso ko para magsulat. Parang tila ang gusto ko lang i-document sa buhay ko ay yung mga malulungkot na bagay. Hindi naman siguro yun dahil yun lang ang mga bagay na gusto kong maalala.

Ang sarap lang siguro talagang magsulat. Lalo na’t alam kong wala namang makakaintindi sa aking kalungkutan. Ang sarap magbuhos ng angst. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam na walang sumasabat sayo. Walang nagsasabing hindi dapat ganyan ang nararamdaman mo. Pwedeng kang maging totoo. Pagkakataon mong maging honest sa sarili mo.

Nagsusulat ako dahil malungkot akong tao.

Pag-alala sa Mapait na Nakaraan – Wahahahaha

I previously posted this entry in my Friendster blog. It was the first and last time I made an entry. I never touched that blog again.

This entry is not an original composition. I got it from a friend’s email around the time my ex and I broke up. I guess this composition was more or less what I felt when the break up was still raw. I CAN’T believe that I wasn’t at all bitter.  Good God.

It has been an awfully long time since we broke up.  I wonder what he’s up to now besides soaking in the sun in some Caribbean island?
“When we fail in our relationships, we ask ourselves
what went wrong.

There are times when nothing was wrong. Sometimes love
just naturally fades away and this happens to people
who are simply not meant for each other.
I know it is difficult to comprehend why relationships
suddenly take unexpected turns. But, it always
happens. People we treasure are taken away from us for
a reason. Sometimes we have to stop asking why and
just accept our fate. If there is certainty in that
end, then we should stop being bitter and just be
thankful that for once, we have loved and shared our
life.

Sometimes we are holding on to someone whom we think
is still there but has really been long gone, or was
just looking for a decent way out of your
relationship. You know how people can get away with
words. There is nothing wrong in loving someone. You
may be able to bear the pain when love begins to hurt.
And when it hurts, you may still be able to give even
more. You maybe even able to love until it hurts no
more. But what good does it bring you when the person
you love shows no respect for what you feel and makes
lame excuses for their inability to love you back.
Love isn’t love until you give away. But love will
only have life when it is shared by two people who
believe in its meaning, by people who share one goal,
one commitment, and by people who are selflessly loyal
to each other.

God’s ways aren’t always easy and painless. Some are
meant to open our eyes to what we do not see. Some are
meant to make us realize what we stubbornly refuse to
understand. But all of them will always be meant to
make us stronger and better persons. We just have to
trust Him on that. you may find your way to the
farthest planet and still remember the one you love.

Distance has little to do with forgetting. This
healing should begin in your heart. Acceptance is the
first step to recovery.

Once you have learned to understand that this is where
it ends then it is the only time when you will learn
how to move on with life without having to stop every
time you are reminded of the bitterness of the past.”

I Owe it to Myself to Write

I should have updated my blog an hour ago but it is just so typical of me to procrastinate, even with those things I claim “I really wanted to do.” Haha… besides that, I admit, I am such a coward. I can’t seem to face my life’s realities much less write about them. I find it hard to be true to myself, to admit that I am still after all… human.

In one of those casual days when my idle mind came drifting away, the awful truth came to me – I am not getting any younger. In fact, whoa! I suddenly realized that I am actually pushing thirty. Thirty?! Yep, thirty and I had to do cartwheels to shake myself off and believe. Where has my life gone? I had practically already spent a third of my life and I haven’t even had taken a teeny weenie step of changing the course of the universe. So much for my dreams when I was younger. Hehe

“The idle mind is the devil’s workshop” – well not at that instant when my life suddenly flashed before my eyes. That was it?! n! years and that was it?! How pathetic! What have I been doing all these years? Definitely not the things I wanted to do, so what passed my time?

First comes realization, then depression…

I keep postponing the things I wanted to do for the things “I should do.” I had been so busy dealing with the things I deemed urgent, I neglected to give time to those that were important. Looking back, I really regret having passed those opportunities when I could have grabbed life by the balls, when I could have acted the way I wanted to not the way I had to. I haven’t been true to the very essence of my being. The worst crime anyone could ever commit to one’s self. I’m a fake. A fake! And oh, the truth hurts…

A plan of action…

So what’s stopping me from doing the things I wanted to do? Is it just because I’m scared? Is it because of the tons of responsibility on my shoulders? The truth is there is no enough reason from stopping me from living the life I want to, from becoming who I really am. It’s just me. I can’t face who I am. I’m scared and I’m hiding behind all sorts of reasons. I make reasons.

This blog is about me. The real me. My first step. I owe it to myself to write

Whine, whine, whine

God, I love to whine! I don’t know, I just do. There’s nothing like letting out your frustrations in an annoying manner. It gets to people’s nerves, I know. But I guess that is exactly why whining was invented in the first place – to get into people’s nerves! It was precisely created to get people to notice, to get them to care! You want them to care because you care.

I whine a lot because I care a lot and I want people to share my pain. The moment I stop whining would be the moment I stopped caring – and it would be a sad, sad world after that. As much as I want to just take it all in and shut my mouth, I know I would just explode.

I would speak up wherever there is injustice, whenever someone is wronged. I would speak my mind when I disagree. I do not always have to take everything and conform because what I think and what I have to say matter. Trivial as they may sound what we have to say count.

When you listen to my whinings closely, if you really listen, you would find that their purposes are not all arrogant and selfish. I want to be true in this world filled with lies. I would not pretend that everything’s ok when something wrong is staring point blank at my face. I may be annoying but at least I am not a hypocrite. And I owe it at least to myself to be real.